Sex With a Yellow Labrador Retriever - It's Not What it Sounds Like, Honest

When you are thinking about getting a dog one thing that is sometimes forgotten for new dog owners is the research. If my wife and I would have known what comes with a Labrador Retriever puppy we might have rethought the whole dog saga. This is not to say our Lab is not a part of the family. She is, and we could not imagine our lives without her. She makes us crazy, irritated, and annoyed at times but she is our princess even if she is the size of a small yellow pony. She might also be the most spoiled dog ever.

We have no kids at the moment so in all actuality the dog is like our child. We buy cheesy magnets for our parents that say "My Grandchild is a Dog" and other goofy things like this. Everyone buys the puppy everything and she gets her way most of the time. If she doesn't, she throws a little, or big, puppy tantrum that includes: stomping the floor with her two front paws, whining, crying, rubbing up against the wall and grunting, tangling up the floor mat that is used for shoes upon entering, constant scratching or ringing of the bell to go outside and the list goes on and on.

Now that we are at age two with our young lady - which for a Lab is basically still puppy years - we have done the research and know just about everything there is to know about Labs and Lab puppies. From simple things like; do not leave cell phones, shoes, or anything else in reach of the puppy and make sure the puppy is not alone for long periods of time or they will destroy things - walls, stairs, carpet, furniture, etc. These are things we were not aware of when acquiring this breed. Especially if you get a crazy Lab that has a little extra fuel in the tank, which we do, you need to make sure they are well taken care of because they want to be a part of everything so badly.

Now that she is two she is nowhere near as bad as she was. She doesn't instantly grab something from you that falls on the floor for two seconds, we can keep the remote controls out, and she has not chewed on any furniture for some time. With everything we researched, studied, and saw about Labs over the last two years between my wife and I, we never saw a thing about a Lab, at times, ruining the mood for man and wife alone time.

Again, our dog is very spoiled so when she gets locked up in her cage or locked out of a room she cries to be let in, or let out. Our house is not that big so it is hard to get away from her whining, crying, or scratching. She is also allowed on the furniture at our house as well and because of this she sleeps with us just about every night. We have no children so she doesn't hurt anything being on the couch or the beds, so why not. However, this means that every time my wife and I go to bed, or are in bed, the dog follows. No matter what time of day it is.

She wants to know what you are doing and where you are going every time you leave the room. Now that she is two, she is getting better with this as well and does not feel the need to follow you to the bathroom every time you get up but the one thing that gets overlooked in this whole dog process is the disruption of the sex life.

It is challenging to have sex with a Lab always around. There is no doubt about it. I often wonder if we are the only couple that suffers from this debacle of having our sex life challenged by a dog. She is 80 lbs so being naked with her around is kind of a challenging thing in itself. If we let her come down and stay on the bed she never gets off. If we try to ignore her and pretend she is not there she will make it known she is there. So if we start messing around, the dog will lick your face (or anywhere for that matter; feet, hands, arms, sneeze on you, or bury her head into both of you and just lay there right next to you in a goofy position. Sometimes we will try and sneak in some action while she is asleep and she will always, without fail, make crazy puppy sounds (grunts, whines, whistles, sighs, whatever), stretch out and kick you, or the ultimate - drop the Dog Gas. Talk about a mood killer - jeez.

This might sound silly but it is an ongoing war with our Lab. If we close her out of the room she will scratch and piss and moan to get in. If we put her in her cage then we have to listen to her barking or crying while we are attempting to have sex. We have learned ways to get around this ridiculousness but it's still a never ending battle for my wife and I.

No "Labs for Fools" or Labrador fact book ever said anything about this conundrum. We have learned it first hand to have a member of the family that can't take a hint and all we can say is that we are thankful she is getting older and will not be so interested in everything once she knows she is not missing anything.

We can only guess that having a child is very similar and longer lasting so we are grateful to get this out of the way with the dog now instead of having a baby and a Lab puppy at the same time. I see people out there with a stroller and a Lab puppy attached to a leash and I just don't know how they can do it. Perhaps this is why there are so many Labs up for adoption?

They are a magnificent breed no doubt about it. They are smart, Loving, loyal, obedient, and the sweetest dogs on the face of the earth. They become a member of the family instantly and Love their role of playing the puppy. If you are thinking about getting this breed intense research is highly recommended or else you are going to be in for a lot of surprises that end with you not being a happy dog owner. When in all truth, having a Labrador Retriever is one of the greatest relationships you can form with a four legged friend.

Photo courtesy of douglemoine

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